The coronavirus has changed our everyday lives beyond our understanding.
We are all trying to be strong, go with the flow, and find creative ways to cope.
Then there are those of us unhappily locked up with our spouse or significant
other in an already unhappy relationship!
Even couples in healthy relationships are having tough times. Couples already
having difficulties in their marriages are now living in a pressure cooker.
Angry, abusive behaviors are heating up, and this could go on for a long
time! Will you be able to continue to live this way?
As a psychologically-trained divorce attorney/mediator, I am telling couples
to try not to react, think before they act, and take some time to give
careful, informed thought to what lies ahead and how to manage moving
forward in this unpredictable climate.
Everyday life is challenging, and we are all dealing with some kind of
anxiety. But emotionally tortured couples are dealing with a lot more.
If you are struggling in your marriage, here are some suggestions to get
you through this challenging time:
1. Keep Some Distance - Give Each Other Space
In a house it is a little easier to accomplish this than in an apartment.
Try to stay in different rooms whether relaxing or working. Develop your
own schedule, and focus on your interests, not on how your spouse is annoying you.
Come together for meals and playtime if you have children. Schedule time
for some on-line exercise classes like yoga or pilates. Set-up a wine
and cheese night with girlfriends on Zoom. Maybe
arrange a video conference night with friends to learn a new language.
Keep your distance, try not to engage in arguing, but also make things
positive, productive and enjoyable for yourself!
2. Schedule Time to Arrange Time Together With the Children
Your children need extra-special attention right now. You also want to
maintain a happy, healthy united front especially during what is a very
scary time for them. Now with holidays upon us, you may want to create
a united, festive front. Maybe play some games, work on puzzles, or work
on creating some cards for the important people helping during this crisis,
like nurses, doctors, teachers, police officers and grocery store workers.
Whatever activity you come up with, both parents should try to participate,
give your child a strong sense of family, comfort and safety. They don’t
need to know anything about your unhappiness or that anything is wrong
between you right now. They need an extra infusion of love from you both.
3. Don’t Dredge Up the Painful Past
If you do engage in conversation, don’t talk about the past. Try
to discuss the future, if at all possible. I constantly remind my mediation
clients that talking about their miserable past is not a solution. It’s
a waste of valuable time. The past cannot be changed, but the future can.
Talk about divorce if that is what you are both thinking about, but constructively.
Consider other options available, like mediation, since going to court
is difficult because it is only online. Using mediation you can also save
money, time and pain. Mediation can work even if you are angry. I can
help you both defuse that anger. Spend some of your time at home time
learning about mediation. If you visit my website
divorcelawyerny.com you can read about mediation and how it works. Mediation has become a
very popular option for divorce during this pandemic.
4. Don’t Obsess about What is Wrong in the Marriage or Think You
Can Change It!
Unless you are thinking of marriage counseling, which I highly support,
discussing the issues in the marriage without professional assistance
doesn’t usually result in a positive solution.
Usually, whatever is wrong can’t truly be fixed. Whether it’s
an addiction, mental illness, like bipolarity or narcissism, or another
personality disorder, marriages that involve these types of issues have
often been too badly damaged to be saved.
But you can find a path to a dignified, less painful divorce with the right
intervention. A healthy intervention - like my unique psychologically-infused
mediation which specifically addresses personality disorders, infidelity,
addictions, hiding assets, controlling behavior, and an array of problems
affecting marriages today.
5. Take Some Time to look into Divorce
It is important to do your research. If divorce is ahead of you, acquire
knowledge, read books, google divorce options, gather your financial statements,
tax returns, and start thinking about your budget.
Start detailing how much it costs to maintain your lifestyle, once divorced
what will it cost you to maintain your lifestyle. Once divorced consider
where can you cut costs, and think about where you want to live.
With spending so much time at home, you can carefully plan your best path
out of your marriage. Use your time at home to get your life in order.
Don’t let your happiness take a back seat to the Coronavirus.
Of course, it is important to keep yourself and your family safe, socially
distanced, and healthy. But if you are in pain from an already damaged
marriage find a way to ease that pain too! You deserve a postitive plan
to move forward.
If you would like to talk about divorce, what is needed to prepare, what
you are entitled to, and how to go about it, call me.
With over 35 years of legal experience and my medical training, I can uniquely
guide you towards a happier and healthier life using my successful mediation
process that does not require going to court, and can provide a freeing outcome!
During this pandemic our
FREE 1 HOUR CONSULTATIONS are conducted virtually to reduce risk and maintain safety.
I look forward to speaking with you!
Stay Healthy & Safe!
New York Divorce Lawyer Lois Brenner is offering a FREE consultation. Call
now to schedule an appointment. 212.734.1551.