The day you walked down the aisle and said, “I do” was probably one of the best days of your life. You never anticipated a time when you would be asking your spouse for a divorce.
But time has passed, a lot of unhappiness has crept into your marriage and you have decided to call it quits. So how are you going to tell your spouse you want a divorce?
As a divorce attorney and mediator for over 35 years, I have heard this question many times.
Here are a few of my successful suggestions:
1.) Be Serious.
Divorce is a very serious discussion, especially if you have children. Don’t use the “D” word unless you mean business. Using the “D” word can be cruel when you use it as an idle threat whenever you feel like it. If you feel you have done everything to save your marriage, then planning how and when to tell your spouse should be your first step.
2.) Think Things Through.
Think about the conversation and what you want to say. It helps to jot your thoughts down and plan what you want to say and how you are going to say it. You may want to rehearse what you are going to say outloud so you can hear yourself. Words matter and the delivery will make a difference in the possible response.
3.) Timing.
You should tell your spouse when you realize you no longer want to stay in the marriage. Avoid chaotic hours after a workday. Sometimes a weekend works well when you are both relaxing and not working.
4.) State Why You Are Unhappy. Be Calm and Thoughtful.
How you approach your spouse is important. It sets the tone for the conversation. Don’t just blurt it out during an argument. Give yourself and the conversation the best possibility to be heard. This was someone you once loved. Showing compassion will lead to a better outcome. Explain why you are unhappy. Also Listen. Let them be heard.
5.) Be Safe.
If you are concerned for your safety, then tell your spouse in front of a third party like a therapist. If you are in an abusive relationship this is particularly important. You can’t control your spouse’s response but you can hopefully reduce the anger and encourage understanding with a support system.
When consulting with a spouse to discuss mediation, I answer many questions, and often share ideas on how to approach their spouse about divorce and mediation.
As part of my mediation process, I offer to send a letter to the other spouse inviting them to participate in a discussion about mediation. This helps one spouse address the divorce discussion with the other spouse using mediation as an amicable and peaceful approach.
This introductory letter is very effective and successfully opens the door for the dreaded divorce dialogue for many couples.
If I can help open the door to the divorce dialogue you would like to have with your spouse, please call me.
I will be happy to prepare you and pave the way for you and your spouse to have a healthy divorce discussion.
Don’t hesitate to reach out. Call me today!
During the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic all our FREE CONSULTATIONS are conveniently conducted virtually to reduce risk.
I look forward to working with you.
Stay healthy and safe!
Warm regards,
Lois
New York divorce attorney Lois Brenner still has some appointments available this week.
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