I know divorce is a really big, difficult decision. You've probably
been thinking about it for a long time.
Should I? Shouldn't I? Yes, I really should. But what will it mean?
How do I tell my spouse? What will happen to my kids? Will I have to move
out of my house? These are the questions I often hear from spouses who
consult with me.
Usually, spouses know, deep down, that it's the right decision. But
they wonder what it will entail. Will it be met with opposition? Anger?
Whatever the reaction, it will not be a happy occasion.
On the other hand, continuing in a life of marital unhappiness is a lifetime
As a divorce lawyer, and psychologically-trained mediator, I help alleviate
the anxiety by explaining to a spouse during a consultation what the likely
outcome of the process will be.
I tell a spouse what to expect. I answer lots of questions such as how
property be divided. Will there be spousal and/or child support? What
are the probable amounts and for how long? Knowing about the process can
ease the uncertainty and can help a spouse to prepare for the events to come.
I share ideas on how to tell your spouse, sometimes suggesting a therapy
session so a third person is present. How do you broach the subject without
blaming your spouse and making them defensive? How will you tell your children?
Usually the dissatisfaction has been building up and increasing over a
long period of time. There are better ways of handling and initiating
Here are some suggestions on getting started:
There is a lot of planning that goes into a divorce. You’re thinking,
soul searching, researching, and making decisions. In addition to selecting
the right divorce attorney/mediator, couples should also consider working
with a therapist. I find having some of my couples work with a skilled
psychologist, who is often part of my team, helps tremendously with the
divorce process. Sometimes it’s even a good idea to work with a
psychiatrist to prescribe medication, if necessary.
Additional emotional support is a great prescription for navigating the
highs and lows of divorce. Therapy can be particularly helpful if one
party is resistant to the divorce. It is also an opportunity for some
spouses to discuss that they want a divorce in a therapy session. Having
the therapist as part of this discussion can give a spouse the support
they need to address this difficult subject. This process can help tremendously
to get the divorce ball rolling.
As a mediator, in a divorce mediation session, I can also help a spouse
introduce the divorce discussion and provide the other spouse with the
comfort and understanding of the possibility of handling the divorce amicably,
fairly, and cost-effectively. This can all be done virtually and is very
If you have children, focus on them. They are going to need all the support
you can give them. Spend quality time with them. Depending on their age,
explain some of what’s going on, in an age- appropriate manner,
but not all of it.
Remember, they are children. They need to feel safe, secure and loved by
both parents (especially during this pandemic). Don’t speak negatively
about your spouse (tempting though this may be) to your child. Save that
conversation for your therapy.
In addition to the skilled representation of a divorce attorney/mediator,
and emotional guidance and support of a therapist, surround yourself with
family and friends. The love and support of family and friends is the
best divorce medicine.
When someone is going through a divorce, it is very common to become isolated.
This isolation often leads to depression. Don’t isolate yourself!
I know it feels like the easy way out, but it’s also the unhealthy
way out. It’s time to stay strong and be supported. It’s not
a time to be alone. It’s important for you to give yourself this
gift. Treat yourself well. You still have to come out on the other side
as a whole person.
If you are struggling with the decision to divorce, don’t let the
holidays stand in your way. I can help you. As a divorce attorney and
medically trained professional, I can help you navigate the divorce process,
answer all your questions, and prepare you for what lies ahead.
FREE 1 HOUR CONSULTATIONS are conducted virtually to reduce risk.
Stay healthy and safe!
Call me, New York Divorce Lawyer, Lois Brenner now to book your free consultation.