“Why did I ever marry you? You are useless!
So stupid! You are always making me mad!
It’s your fault I yell at you!
Sound familiar? Yes, you are being verbally abused! But you don’t
have to take it anymore!
Verbally abusive behaviors can ruin your marriage and your life!
For over 35 years as a psychologically-trained divorce attorney and mediator,
I can identify verbal abuse by asking questions and observing reactions.
I can also provide support and help you find solutions and the way out
of a verbally abusive marriage.
Many people who call for a consultation have no idea that they are in a
verbally abusive relationship. They know that something is wrong, they
are sad, diminished, and lost, but they can't quite put their finger on it.
Verbal abuse often happens out of nowhere in a relationship. It’s
calculating and manipulative.
You often find yourself thinking you are overreacting or blaming yourself.
Verbal abuse happens in private where no one can intervene and eventually
it becomes a regular way of communicating. You are held hostage in a marriage
that the outside world views as “happy”.
For someone experiencing the abuse it is isolating and demeaning. You live
in fear and secret often embarrassed or afraid to tell a friend or family.
Verbal abuse is subtle and insidious. This type of abuse includes some
of these behaviors:
- threatening - “I will hurt myself if you leave me.”
- criticizing; - “Why are you so disorganized? It’s because of
you I can never find anything!”
- demeaning comments - “You look fat in that dress.!”
- name-calling -“You are dumb!”
- manipulation –“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t make
- blame - “It’s your fault we are never on time!”
- accusations -“I bet you’re cheating on me!”
- gas-lighting – “Why are you so sensitive to everything?”
Verbal abuse is intended to and usually does manipulate and control the victim.
The abuse often starts after the courtship and honeymoon period is over
and the marriage has begun. It has a sociopathic, narcissistic overtone to it.
In my divorce/mediation practice, I have seen some fortunate individuals
who recognize what is going on early in the relationship and decide not
to put up with it.
Others are captured by the abuser and find themselves supporting the spouse
in the mistreatment.
I can usually tell when someone has been the victim of verbal abuse. Unfortunately
it is very common, especially over the past two years during the pandemic.
Verbal abuse in marriages has escalated and continues to rise as couples
juggle work, finances, childcare and life decisions for their family.
Often, during my mediation sessions, I recommend a therapist to participate
in the divorce process for clients who are amenable. Frequently it takes
a long time for victims to be able to do anything to extricate themselves
from an abusive situation. But it is possible!
So what can you do to protect yourself?
If you think you are being abused, trust yourself!
There is no single solution, but I suggest:
- Set some boundaries, refuse to engage;
- Tell them you will not accept the abuse;
- Don’t engage in the arguments, walk away;
- Limit your time with them;
- When you are strong enough to cut ties, do it;
- See a good therapist!
It does take time to heal. But you can and you will!
Reach out to supportive friends and family. But don’t isolate yourself.
Start planning your exit strategy. Focus on the important steps to take
to remove yourself safely and successfully. Create a protective circle
of resources to help you escape an abusive marriage!
If you think you are being verbally abused and feeling uncomfortable with
your partner, call me for a free consultation.
Don’t stay in an abusive marriage. All you need is some compassion
and a strong support system of professionals to move you towards a healthier,
FREE 1 HOUR CONSULTATIONS are
conveniently and discreetly conducted virtually to reduce risk.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. You don’t deserve
to be abused, even if you are made to feel you do! I’m here to help!
Stay healthy and safe!
If you are in an abusive marriage, call Divorce Attorney and Mediator Lois
Brenner for a free and discreet consultation.
We still have a few free consultations available this week! 212.734.551