Money for most of us is an emotionally charged topic. That’s why
few of us, and few couples, like to talk about it. When couples come to
see me and are considering a divorce, money can actually be what is driving
the couple apart, even more than cheating.
Money can represent many things. Money is love, happiness, security, control,
freedom, and lots more. When couples fight over money, usually deeper
issues emerge. Many couples find themselves fighting over money. But I
also find that underlying issues that have been long neglected have come
to the forefront and money has become the vehicle for battle.
For most of us, there’s just never enough money, especially these
days. We don’t realize when we enter into a romantic relationship,
there is often a third party. A silent partner. It’s money!
Before marriage, couples often discuss where they are going to live, children,
careers, and what side of the bed to sleep on, but never money!
Money is still a taboo topic. Some people have anxiety, guilt, and even
shame about the way they handle money. Do you really want to tell a potential
spouse you’re an overspender? Not exactly the topic of discussion
you want to have before you are walking down the aisle. Most people have
complex relationships with their money. We usually learn about money from
our families as we grow up and the lessons learned can be very different.
When couples enter a marriage with different money styles, they can actually
battle and suffer together for years. As the marriage erodes and things
begin to explode, that’s when they come to see me.
Usually by that time, it is already too late. Divorce is on the horizon
and inevitably money will be the nucleus of the divorce conversation.
The United States is a nation of overspenders. We live in a market economy
and we are led to believe that we are good citizens when we agree to spend
our money, and lots of it. So much so that we as a country and as individuals
are in massive debt, especially now! Because many of us feel alienated
and disconnected, especially with the topsy-turvy world we have all been
living in, we tend to overspend to fill an emptiness within ourselves.
If we are not overspending, then we are usually worrying about money or
hoarding it. For those who have recently lost their jobs due to the coronavirus
pandemic, money is scarce and some families are living in fear. Consequently,
couples are fighting due to frustration and lack of money. Money is a
complex focal point in many of our thoughts, especially right now.
Men and women also have different money styles. What sets women apart from
men is the different situations women will find themselves in during their
lifetime. Women live longer than men. They usually have been in and out
of the work force. When women marry they often become part of a financial
dependency that can work against them if they are not prepared, although
that has been changing.
Women are primarily the ones who raise the children, and often become the
single parent raising the children. Women usually care for aging family
members. A woman’s healthy relationship with money is vital in handling
all the responsibilities and difficulties she may face.
So what’s your marriage money style? If you haven’t thought
about it, maybe it’s time! Especially if you are getting ready to
walk down the aisle. Get in touch with your money style before you make
important decisions in your marriage and maybe eventually in your divorce.
As a psychologically trained family law attorney/mediator, I can help you
and your fiancé or spouse get in touch with how to settle money
issues. I will be happy to share amicable solutions.
I can guide you on how to manage, and protect your money before getting
married or during the divorce process.
A free consultation is at your finger tips. Call now 212.734.1551.
We still have some appointments available for this week.
I look forward to helping you.
Call New York Divorce Attorney Lois Brenner now to schedule your free consultation.