Divorcing an abusive or manipulative spouse is not like ending a “typical” marriage. Abuse, whether emotional, psychological, financial, verbal, or physical creates patterns that are deeply damaging, confusing, and disorienting.
If you are thinking about leaving a spouse who is controlling, aggressive, narcissistic, or emotionally abusive, you are likely exhausted, overwhelmed, and unsure of what steps to take. You may feel trapped or afraid of what happens next.
As a medically-trained New York divorce attorney and experienced divorce mediator, I help clients every day who are navigating the difficult process of divorcing abusive or manipulative partners. My medical background gives me unique insight into personality disorders, trauma responses, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control, which allows me to support and guide clients with both legal expertise and psychological understanding.
Understanding Abuse and Manipulation in a Marriage
Abusive or manipulative spouses often show patterns of behavior that escalate over time. Common signs include:
Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation
They deny what happened, rewrite history, or make you feel “crazy.” This is a common tactic among narcissistic and sociopathic personalities.
Control Over Finances
Some abusive spouses restrict access to money, credit cards, or even your own income. This is called financial abuse and it is extremely common.
Isolation
They may cut you off from friends, family, or support systems so you become more dependent on them.
Verbal or Psychological Abuse
Name-calling, threats, insults, intimidation, or constant criticism are all forms of abuse.
Manipulative Parenting Behavior
In marriages with children, abusive spouses may use the children to manipulate, punish, or control the other parent.
Intimidation or Threats
This may include threats of harm, threats to ruin you financially, or threats to take the children away.
Narcissistic or High-Conflict Traits
Many abusive spouses exhibit narcissistic traits—lack of empathy, entitlement, blame-shifting, and an inability to take responsibility.
If you recognize these patterns, understand this: none of this is your fault, and you have the right to leave safely and strategically.
How Abuse Affects the Divorce Process
Divorcing an abusive spouse comes with unique challenges:
• High-conflict communication
Abusive partners often escalate conflict when they feel they are losing control.
• Manipulation during mediation or negotiation
They may lie, distort facts, or try to intimidate you.
• Financial deception
Hiding assets, restricting funds, or refusing to provide financial disclosure is common.
• Co-parenting complications
Abusive spouses may attempt to weaponize the children or interfere with parenting schedules.
• Emotional reactivity
Your spouse may act calm one moment and explosive the next.
This is why choosing the right legal strategy is critical.
Should You Choose Mediation or Litigation?
Mediation Can Work But Only With the Right Mediator
Mediation can be less expensive and less stressful than litigation, but only if both parties communicate safely and fairly.
For high-conflict personalities or abusive spouses, mediation requires:
A strong, experienced mediator
Clear boundaries
Safety protocols
Structure and accountability
An understanding of psychological dynamics
With my medical background and 35+ years of divorce experience, I have successfully mediated many cases involving:
- Narcissistic spouses
- Emotionally abusive relationships
- Manipulative behavior
- Coercive control
- Gaslighting dynamics
For some couples, mediation works beautifully when the process is managed correctly and the abused spouse has real protection.
Litigation May Be Necessary in More Extreme Cases
Litigation may be the better choice when:
- There is severe physical abuse or credible threats
- A spouse refuses to negotiate honestly
- There is hidden money or financial manipulation
- Children are at risk
- One spouse attempts to intimidate the other
- The power imbalance is too extreme for mediation
In these cases, going to court can provide legal protection, structure, and consequences.
How My Medically-Informed Approach Helps You
My unique medical and legal background allows me to support clients in ways most other divorce attorneys cannot:
Understanding Personality Disorders
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), and other character disorders frequently impact divorce.
My training helps me:
- Recognize manipulation
- Predict behavioral patterns
- Protect clients from emotional traps
- Structure negotiations safely
Recognizing Trauma & Emotional Responses
Many abused spouses experience trauma, anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. I help clients:
- Regain clarity
- Understand their emotional responses
- Make rational, strategic decisions
Strategic Communication Plans
I guide clients on what to say, what not to say, and how to avoid being pulled into toxic communication cycles.
Safety Planning & Legal Protection
In cases of danger, I, along with my litigation team, help clients obtain orders of protection, secure financial documents, and plan safe exits.
Choosing the Best Divorce Path
Whether mediation or litigation, I tailor the process to your emotional needs and legal goals.
You deserve support that understands the psychology, not just the law.
Divorcing an abusive or manipulative spouse is incredibly difficult, but with the right guidance, you can break the cycle and reclaim your life.
I have helped thousands of spouses safely navigate high-conflict, abusive, and psychologically complex divorces. Whether through mediation or litigation, my goal is to protect your future, your children, and your emotional well-being.
If you are in an abusive or manipulative marriage and thinking about divorce, call me so I can answer all your questions during a free and confidential consultation.
Call 212.734.1551 right now!
I look forward to helping you and your family!
Warm regards,
Lois