Divorcing someone you once loved is never easy. But when your spouse struggles with addiction or mental illness, it adds layers of complexity emotionally, legally, and practically.
You may feel guilty, conflicted, or scared. You might wonder if you’re abandoning them in their time of need, or if you’ll ever feel peace again.
As a medically trained divorce attorney/ mediator, I have worked with many spouses in the position you are in right now! It’s time to take a deep breath and know you're not alone. I’m here to help! I will help you with clarity, safety, and support.
Here’s my compassionate, realistic guide to help you move forward with strength and grace.
Understanding the Intersection: Addiction, Mental Illness & Divorce
Addiction and mental illness can affect a person’s ability to function, communicate, and maintain healthy relationships. If your spouse is dealing with:
- Alcohol or drug addiction
- Bipolar disorder
- Borderline personality disorder
- Schizophrenia
- Severe depression or anxiety
- Gambling or sex addiction
You may be dealing with mood swings, manipulation, broken trust, financial instability, emotional abuse or even unsafe behavior.
Divorce may feel like a betrayal. But I can tell you, it can be an act of self-preservation and sometimes, the most loving choice for both of you and your family.
Signs It May Be Time to Leave
If you’re on the fence, ask yourself:
- Are my physical or emotional safety at risk?
- Has my spouse refused treatment or sabotaged recovery?
- Is my home filled with chaos, unpredictability, or trauma?
- Are our children being affected?
- Am I constantly walking on eggshells?
You are not responsible for your spouse’s recovery. You can support someone without sacrificing yourself.
Legal Challenges You May Face
Divorcing a spouse with addiction or mental illness often involves:
- Custody concerns: Courts prioritize the child’s best interest. If your spouse is unstable, you may need to advocate for supervised visitation.
- Documentation: Keep records of unsafe behavior, hospitalizations, rehab attempts, police reports, or neglect.
- Property division: Addiction may drain joint accounts or rack up debt. A forensic accountant may be helpful.
- Spousal support: If your spouse cannot work due to their condition, the court may consider that when deciding on support.
Can Mediation Help in a High-Conflict Divorce?
Yes, in my experience as a divorce attorney and mediator, I can tell you mediation can besurprisingly helpful, even in complex divorces involving mental illness or addiction, when it’s safe and appropriate to use.
Here's how:
- Lower conflict: A neutral mediator, like myself, can help both parties stay focused on solutions, not blame.
- Privacy: Mediation is confidential and less adversarial than court.
- Control: You and your spouse make decisions not a judge who doesn't know your family.
- Cost-effective: It’s usually faster and less expensive than litigation.
- Child-centered: As a mediator I help create thoughtful parenting plans that protect the children’s emotional well-being.
Protecting Your Children
This may be the hardest part. You may fear your spouse will manipulate the children or use them as leverage.
What you can do:
- Create a safe, stable home environment
- Avoid badmouthing your spouse in front of your kids
- Consider therapy for your children to process the changes
- If necessary, request custody evaluations or supervised visitation
As a divorce attorney/mediator for over 35 years, when working with couples in this high conflict, delicate process, I highly recommend prioritizing your own health and healing.
Divorcing someone with addiction or mental illness can leave you traumatized and depleted. You’ve likely been in survival mode for a long time.
You didn’t cause your spouse’s illness or addiction. You can’t control it. And you can’t cure it.
What you can do is choose peace over chaos, health over codependence, and healing over guilt.
You are worthy of safety, stability, and love even if that means letting go.
And you don’t have to do this alone!
Call now to schedule your free consultation with me and to inquire about additional free consultations with some of my impressive divorce team members consisting of divorce coaches, and financial experts.
Call 212.734.1551 right now to schedule your free consultation!
Don’t be afraid! Working with me and my team of experts will give you the psychological/legal support you need to free yourself from an unhealthy marriage.
Lois