As a medically trained NY divorce attorney and mediator, I have created a highly successful legal practice devoted to helping families dealing with mental illness, to divorce with dignity and compassion.
More couples today are facing the painful intersection of mental illness, addiction, and marriage breakdown. I see it every day in my legal practice. Conditions like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and personality disorders can overwhelm a relationship especially when they contribute to alcohol or drug dependency.
When one spouse is struggling with mental health and addiction, the other often ends up feeling:
- exhausted
- isolated
- financially drained
- emotionally unsafe
- responsible for “fixing” everything
These marriages can become high-conflict, unpredictable, and, at times, dangerous.
If you’re in a relationship where mental illness and addiction have become unmanageable, you are not alone and you do have options. I can help you with the right legal, emotional, and financial guidance so you can protect yourself, protect your children, and make informed decisions about your future.
How Mental Illness Can Lead to Addiction
Mental illness and addiction often appear together. This is called dual diagnosis or co-occurring disorders. One condition fuels the other.
Common patterns include:
1. Using alcohol or substances to self-soothe
People struggling with depression or anxiety may drink to calm their nerves or numb pain.
2. Medication misuse
Prescription medication may be misused to regulate mood or sleep.
3. Impulse control issues
Bipolar disorder, ADHD, and personality disorders may involve impulsivity that leads to substance use.
4. Trauma and PTSD
Survivors may turn to substances to disconnect from intrusive memories.
5. Escaping emotional distress
When someone doesn’t have coping tools, addiction feels like relief, until it becomes a crisis.
How Addiction and Mental Illness Affect Marriage
When addiction enters a marriage shaped by mental illness, the relationship often becomes unstable. Common experiences include:
• Emotional volatility
Arguments escalate quickly. Mood swings become unpredictable.
• Financial strain
Money disappears. Bills go unpaid. Emergency expenses grow.
• Emotional abandonment
The healthy partner feels neglected, unseen, or responsible for everything.
• Safety concerns
Driving under the influence, risky behavior, aggression, or suicidal statements.
• Broken trust
Lies about substance use. Hidden spending. Denial. Manipulation.
• Impact on children
Kids feel unsafe, anxious, or confused. Courts pay close attention to this.
• High-conflict home environment
Everyday decisions become battles. Communication becomes impossible.
If you are experiencing any of these, it does not mean you failed. It means the relationship has become bigger than you can manage alone.
Signs It May Be Time to Consider Divorce
You may need to consider separation or divorce if:
- Your spouse refuses treatment
- The addiction escalates despite help
- Emotional or physical abuse emerges
- You are financially unsafe
- Your children are exposed to instability
- You feel you are losing yourself
- Your life revolves around crisis management
Many clients tell me they stayed far too long because they felt guilty, hopeful, or responsible. But your well-being, and your children’s well-being, matters.
Your Legal Options: Mediation vs. Litigation
Every situation is different, especially when mental illness and addiction are involved. Here’s what you should know:
1. Mediation
Mediation can work IF the spouse is high-functioning, sober, and stable enough to participate.
Mediation benefits:
- Private and compassionate
- Less expensive
- Faster
- Allows for creative solutions
- Reduces conflict
- Creates parenting plans that consider mental health
My legally and psychologically centered mediation style is particularly effective because it addresses emotional dynamics, not just legal issues.
Mediation is a good option when:
- The spouse is in treatment
- The addiction is under control
- There is no threat to safety
- Both parties want peaceful resolution
- You want to protect children from conflict
2. Litigation
Litigation may be necessary when:
- There is active addiction
- Abuse or violence is present
- Children are unsafe
- The spouse is manipulative, unstable, or in denial
- Financial secrecy or spending continues
- There is unpredictable behavior
Courts will evaluate:
- mental health records
- rehab participation
- substance testing
- witness statements
- the impact on children
- overall stability of each parent
Your safety comes first.
How to Protect Yourself Now
1. Start documenting everything
Dates, incidents, messages, spending issues, safety concerns. This becomes crucial evidence.
2. Get financial copies
Statements, tax returns, insurance, credit cards, mortgage information.
3. Create a safety plan if needed
Especially if addiction involves aggression or instability.
4. Talk to a therapist or support group
You need emotional support, too. We often provide this as part of our process.
5. Consult a divorce professional early
You don’t have to file immediately, just gather information. You can call me for a free consultation 212.734.1551.
6. Set boundaries
No more rescuing, covering up, or making excuses.
What About the Kids?
Courts prioritize child safety and stability.
Key considerations include:
- exposure to intoxication
- untreated mental illness
- unsafe driving
- emotional instability
- domestic conflict
Parenting plans can be structured to protect children, such as:
- supervised visitation
- sobriety testing
- therapy requirements
- gradual reintegration
- parallel parenting
The goal is protection, not punishment.
Leaving a spouse with mental illness and addiction doesn’t erase the emotional damage. Many spouses experience:
- trauma fatigue
- depression or anxiety
- guilt or shame
- grief and relief simultaneously
- identity loss
It is normal.
Healing happens through support, therapy, boundaries, and rebuilding your identity.
You deserve a peaceful, hopeful future.
Here are some Signs it may be time to leave
• Refusal to get treatment
• Escalating addiction
• Financial chaos
• Emotional/physical abuse
• Unsafe environment for kids
If you find yourself experiencing any of the above call my office to schedule a free consultation 212.734.1551.
You are not alone, I’m here to help!
Warm regards,
Lois