Divorce is a legal proceeding, but behind the forms, documents, filings and hearings, lies a complex human story. I always say, divorce is not about paper, it’s about people!” Emotions govern decisions. Personality shapes negotiation. Trauma colors interaction. That’s why a legal strategy that ignores psychology is incomplete and often not as productive.
For more than three decades, I’ve combined divorce strategy with psychological training and unique mediation methods so my clients reach durable, successful outcomes faster and with less expense. Below I’ll explain the difference between contested and uncontested divorce through a psychological lens, outline when each approach is appropriate, and describe how my combined skill set helps clients, including those dealing with high-conflict personality disorders or traits, get the best results.
Contested vs. Uncontested: the legal facts and the human reality
Uncontested divorce means both spouses agree on the major issues: division of assets and debts, spousal maintenance, child custody and support, and other ancillary matters. Legally, the court’s role is to review and enter the agreement. Practically, uncontested cases are faster, cheaper, and less adversarial.
Contested divorce arises when one or more of those issues are disputed. Discovery, motions, hearings, and possibly trial become necessary. Costs rise. Timelines stretch. Emotions escalate.
From a psychological standpoint, what often determines whether a case stays uncontested is not only the facts but the relational dynamics: trust, communication skills, the presence of trauma, and personality-driven behaviors such as manipulation, volatility, or denial.
Why psychology matters, more than most clients realize
- Decision-making under stress: Divorce triggers fight/flight responses. Reasoning narrows; people fight harder over a perceived slight and accept worse deals than they normally would. Anticipating and managing that biological response saves time and money.
- Communication patterns: Couples who once shouted now negotiate. Those patterns are learned and reinforced. A mediator who understands those patterns can reframe conversations to reduce escalation and move toward settlement.
- Personality and predictability: Some people reliably negotiate; others use obstruction, stonewalling, or drama to control outcomes. Recognizing whether a spouse has traits of a personality disorder or simply a high-conflict style informs strategy: when to push, when to slow down, when to insist on formal discovery.
- Child impact and parenting plans: Emotions influence parenting decisions. A plan created with psychological insight is more likely to be workable and enforceable. It anticipates triggers and minimizes opportunities for future litigation.
My unique divorce approach blends three components:
- Legal rigor: Complete financial disclosure, careful drafting of marital settlement agreements, and strategic use of temporary orders when necessary.
- Mediation and negotiation skills: I employ structured mediation techniques to keep negotiations focused on interests, not positions.
- Psychological literacy: Training in communication, behavior patterns, and trauma responses helps me guide clients and craft agreements that are realistic and resilient.
This combination reduces surprises, prevents repeated court returns, and speeds resolution which lowers overall cost.
Working with high-conflict personalities (Bipolar disorder, Narcissism, Antisocial traits)
Common challenges and practical strategies:
- Mood instability (bipolar disorder): Episodes can cause sudden changes in cooperation or decision-making. Strategy: build flexibility into orders, require interim financial safeguards, and use objective evidence (medical records, consistent disclosure) rather than relying on verbal commitments.
- Narcissistic traits (grandiosity, need for control, vindictiveness): These individuals often litigate to "win" or to punish. Strategy: limit opportunities for manipulation by using clear, enforceable terms; avoid open-ended negotiations; prioritize outcomes that reduce attention-seeking ( private settlements rather than public court fights).
- Antisocial/antisocial-leaning behavior (deception, disregard for rules): Risk of concealment of assets or refusal to comply. Strategy: comprehensive discovery, forensic accounting where needed, and swift motions for sanctions or enforcement. Create hard stops: escrowed funds, contempt procedures, and strict enforcement clauses.
In every case, I treat mental-health information with sensitivity, protect client confidentiality, and work with mental-health professionals when their input will improve outcomes (parenting evaluations, custody recommendations, or expert testimony when ordered by the court).
My checklist for clients
- Full financial disclosure early. Honesty speeds settlement. Hiding assets almost always backfires.
- Use mediation or settlement conferences first. Even when the other side is difficult, structured mediation can produce a better, cheaper outcome.
- Insist on narrow, enforceable terms. Vague agreements breed future litigation.
- Plan for triggers. If a spouse has emotional volatility, include cooling-off periods and communication protocols.
- Document everything. Emails, bank statements, and calendars protect you and encourage fair bargaining.
- Consider child-centered parenting plans. When children are involved, plans that prioritize predictability reduce friction.
As a medically trained NY divorce attorney and mediator with over 35 years experience, I have helped many hundreds of clients get the best results!
If you are thinking of divorce, it’s important to know there is more than one way to get divorced.
If you’re facing divorce in New York and want an approach that combines legal acumen with psychological insight, call my office for a free and confidential consultation. I’ll assess your case, create a strategic plan tailored to your situation, and, whenever possible, move you toward a faster, less expensive, and more stable outcome. Call 212.734.1551 right now!
I look forward to helping you.
Warm wishes,
Lois