Divorcing a narcissist is one of the most emotionally draining and legally complicated experiences a spouse can go through. While many people recognize the classic traits of an overt narcissist like arrogance, entitlement, and grandiosity, fewer realize that covert narcissists can be even harder to identify and divorce. Their manipulation is subtle, hidden behind quiet control, guilt-tripping, or passive aggression.
As a medically trained divorce attorney and mediator, I often explain to clients that identifying whether you’re dealing with a covert versus overt narcissist is critical in divorce strategy. With over 35 years of experience helping spouses navigate complex, high conflict divorces, I have become a trusted expert in guiding clients through the storm of narcissistic behavior.
What Is a Covert Narcissist?
Unlike the loud, dominating overt narcissist, a covert narcissist hides behind humility, victimhood, and emotional manipulation. They may appear shy, sensitive, or even self-sacrificing, but beneath the surface, they are just as self-centered and controlling as their overt counterparts.
Common covert narcissist traits include:
- Playing the victim to gain sympathy
- Passive-aggressive communication
- Subtle guilt-tripping or martyrdom
- Emotional withdrawal as punishment
- Undermining your confidence quietly rather than openly attacking
How a Covert Narcissist Differs From an Overt Narcissist
Overt Narcissist | Covert Narcissist |
Loud, boastful, grandiose | Quiet, introverted, plays the victim |
Seeks admiration openly | Seeks sympathy and pity |
Aggressive in conflicts | Passive-aggressive and manipulative |
Obvious control tactics | Subtle, harder-to-detect control |
Easy to spot in court | Can appear sympathetic to judges/mediators |
This distinction is critical in divorce. While overt narcissists are easier for outsiders to identify, covert narcissists often convince the court, friends, and even therapists that they are the wronged spouse.
Signs You’re Divorcing a Covert Narcissist
- They make you feel guilty for wanting a divorce.
- They portray themselves as the “wounded” partner to family, friends, and even the children.
- They refuse to negotiate fairly — instead of outright demands, they delay, stall, or manipulate.
- They subtly sabotage your confidence, making you question your own decisions.
- They charm professionals (judges, therapists, attorneys) into believing they are the victim.
Why Divorcing a Covert Narcissist Is So Difficult
The covert narcissist’s ability to mask manipulation makes divorce proceedings especially tough. They thrive on dragging out the process, exhausting you financially and emotionally. They may use children as pawns, spreading subtle negativity to undermine your relationship.
Traditional litigation can sometimes backfire because covert narcissists come across as reasonable, fragile, or victimized. This is where mediation with a skilled, psychologically trained divorce professional can be life-changing.
How Mediation Can Help — Even With a Covert Narcissist
My psychologically based divorce mediation method combines my legal expertise and medical background in psychiatry to help spouses recognize narcissistic behaviors and navigate them effectively. Unlike a typical attorney or mediator, I understand the psychological underpinnings of narcissism and I use this knowledge to:
- Keep negotiations structured and productive
- Recognize subtle manipulation tactics before they derail discussions
- Protect children from becoming emotional weapons
- Ensure financial fairness when one spouse tries to guilt or delay
Most importantly, my approach will keep decisions in your hands, not a judge’s, and helps prevent the covert narcissist from exploiting the courtroom dynamic.
If you are thinking of divorcing a covert narcissist, remember this: you are not alone, and you are not crazy. Their behavior is calculated to make you doubt yourself, but with the right support, you can break free.
Working with me, a divorce professional who understands both law and psychology is essential in these cases. As a medically trained divorce attorney and mediator, and a recognized expert in divorcing narcissists, I can help you successfully divorce the narcissist in your life.
If you’re facing the overwhelming challenge of divorcing a narcissist, covert or overt, don’t go through it alone. Contact me today to schedule your free consultation and learn how my psychologically based divorce mediation method can protect you and your future. Call 212.734.1551.
My unique blend of legal strategy and psychological insight has helped countless spouses escape the emotional trap of covert narcissism while protecting their children, finances, and peace of mind. I can help you too!
I look forward to speaking with you.
Lois