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My Psychological Approach to Divorce Can Change Your Life!


With over 35 years of experience as a divorce attorney and psychologically trained mediator, I am a strong advocate for divorce with dignity.

I have mastered techniques using psychology and sound legal strategy to get couples through the divorce process without going insane or draining their bank accounts. In my many years of practicing law and medicine and treating personality and mood disorders, I have learned that separation and divorce is not simply a legal matter. Psychological issues impact marriages in a profound way!

After witnessing the emotional pain of many couples day after day, I decided to develop a unique psychologically infused mediation process to tackle divorce in a more humane and civil way. My divorce technique addresses both the head (legal strategy), and heart (emotions) of the divorce process. This ground-breaking method of marrying legal strategy and psychology saves couples time, money, and pain.

The central truth about divorce today is that divorce is a “psychological experience.” Divorce is far more than just what’s on the court papers or what a judge decides. Divorce is about people, psychology, and the emotional health of a couple.

The traditional divorce system is a conflict-based, lengthy, and costly process that completely ignores the psychological component of divorce and is far more interested in conflict and cost.

Why fight when you can discuss, negotiate, and participate in a thoughtful and peaceful divorce process? My divorce mediation method involves behavior modifications, the use of psychology—identifying personality and character traits, emotions, family dynamics, and applying the law to develop strategies for a more positive experience and successful outcome. My divorce approach is powerful, positive, and productive with a special emphasis on the psychology of divorce!

Mediation is a negotiated process between divorcing spouses on the important issues: finances, property, spousal and child support, custody, and visitation. As the divorce mediator, my role is to keep you talking and ensure you stay on track and to make sure negotiations are reasonable. In this role, I also offer creative suggestions when you hit a roadblock.

The focus of mediation is for you to control your own divorce. Spouses have the opportunity to discuss their personal needs and priorities and to arrive together at an agreement that is fair to both of them.

What divorcing couples feel, think, and do has a huge impact on both the process and the substantive outcome of divorce. Using my divorce method, couples can get better results and make their journey less adversarial.

For couples who have not traveled the divorce path before, it can be scary, confusing, and overwhelming. When it comes to divorce, the legal system by its very nature is adversarial, pitting people against each other with the promise of only one winner and with no room for compromise. I say, “ If you were once in love, able to organize your lives, and build a life together, you should be able to discuss and organize your lives to dissolve your marriage and to live apart.”

I often explain to spouses who choose mediation there are no losers; everyone is a winner. Mediation offers the opportunity to see your divorce and your spouse through a different lens.

As individuals go through the process of separation and divorce, it would be unnatural if people did not have feelings. Husbands and wives may feel hurt, angry, disappointed, scared, insulted, and/or abused. As a result, divorcing individuals frequently do the following things, which raise the stakes and often cannot be undone. Don’t do it!

1. Take all of the money out of joint savings, checking, and investment accounts;

2. Change the locks on the marital residence;

3. Prevent their spouse from seeing the children;

4. Stop paying household bills;

5. Cut off access to credit cards or use them to charge up a storm;

6. Turn off the family phone plan;

7. Insult each other;

8. Threaten a spouse, saying things such as, "I will take the children away from you" and “I will not give you any money.”

I cannot emphasize enough how many divorcing couples have either done these things or tell me they are planning to do them. Spouses do these things out of anger, fear, revenge, or to protect themselves from what they anticipate the other will do. At a first consultation, I discuss strategy with clients to determine what steps should and should not be taken so the client is making choices based on logic and choices that will not be used against him or her or end up in court when it can be reasonably avoided without unfortunate consequences.

For example, if a spouse prevents the other parent from seeing his or her children, you can be almost certain someone will start a lawsuit and get a judge to order visitation. If someone stops paying the bills, the other spouse will go to court to obtain an order of support.

These actions ensure that the case will be litigated, that each will pay a large retainer to separate attorneys, and that a judge will make decisions and orders which neither party may like.

When I meet with a new client, I explain the likely parameters of what will happen if he or she went to court and did not negotiate a settlement. In New York there are statutes regarding how much spousal support and child support is normally paid. Why spend the family money just to get what you would get without a court order? Out of anger and revenge is usually the answer; but courts are not the answer.

There are three ways to end a marriage: litigation, negotiation, or mediation. In any context, your personality traits and those of your spouse and what you do, make a major contribution to the outcome of your divorce. The way property is divided in a family is straight forward. The same goes for child support amounts and spousal maintenance. There are statutes in New York that make the outcome fairly predictable these days. So it does not really make sense for couples to roll the dice and fight in court. They will get pretty much the same results as if they spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on lawyers.

Rage and fear are normal feelings couples experience when they are going through a divorce. However, the behavior and actions of divorcing individuals can be modified and controlled. I provide couples both the insight and tools to manage their divorce in a more productive and positive way.

In addition, if a spouse is a narcissist or suffering from a personality or mood disorder, I help identify features and elements of these problems and guide spouses on how to respond in productive ways that will benefit them and their family.

If you want to try a highly successful, less expensive, compassionate approach to your divorce, call me! Unlike other divorce attorneys, I will help you navigate your divorce using the law and psychology to achieve a productive, fair, amicable agreement and a happier future.

A free consultation is a phone call away. What are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and call me today! I look forward to speaking with you.

Warm regards,


Call New York Divorce Lawyer Lois Brenner now to schedule your free consultation. 212.734.1551