Divorcing a spouse with a character disorder is unlike any other divorce. These cases are not driven by mutual misunderstanding or temporary conflict. They are defined by manipulation, emotional volatility, control, and an inability or unwillingness to engage in good-faith resolution.
As a medically trained divorce attorney and mediator, I have spent decades working with clients who come to me emotionally depleted, physically stressed, and confused by a marriage that never made sense,no matter how hard they tried to fix it.
This handbook is written for those individuals.
If you are married to someone who displays narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, or other personality-related traits, you need a very specific divorce strategy, one that protects not only your legal interests, but your psychological and physical well-being.
What Are Character Disorders?
Character disorders, often referred to clinically as personality disorders, affect how a person thinks, behaves, regulates emotion, and relates to others. In divorce, these traits frequently manifest as high-conflict, irrational, or abusive behavior.
Common character disorders seen in divorce cases include:
Narcissistic Personality Traits
- Grandiosity or entitlement
- Lack of empathy
- Blame-shifting and gaslighting
- Punishing behavior when challenged
- A need to “win” at all costs
Borderline Personality Traits
- Extreme emotional swings
- Fear of abandonment
- Volatile relationships
- Impulsivity and emotional reactivity
- Rapid shifts between idealization and devaluation
Antisocial Personality Traits
- Disregard for rules or boundaries
- Deceptive or exploitative behavior
- Lack of remorse
- Financial manipulation or concealment
- Intimidation or coercion
Histrionic Personality Traits
- Excessive emotionality
- Attention-seeking behavior
- Dramatic or exaggerated reactions
- Manipulative emotional displays
Not every spouse will have a formal diagnosis, and many never will. In divorce, the behavior matters more than the label.
Why Traditional Divorce Litigation Often Fails in These Cases
The traditional court-based divorce model assumes that both parties:
- Can regulate emotions
- Can follow rules
- Can compromise
- Are motivated to resolve the matter
These assumptions do not hold true when one spouse has a character disorder.
Litigation often:
- Rewards aggressive and manipulative behavior
- Escalates emotional and psychological harm
- Gives high-conflict personalities a public stage
- Drains financial resources
- Prolongs the trauma
From a medical and psychological standpoint, prolonged exposure to this level of conflict can severely impact:
- Mental health
- Sleep and immune function
- Cardiovascular health
- Cognitive clarity
- Children’s emotional development
This is why “fighting harder” is rarely the best solution.
Why Mediation Can Work Even with a High-Conflict Spouse
Mediation is often misunderstood. It is not about being passive or accommodating destructive behavior. When done correctly, it is highly structured, strategic, and controlled.
My medically/psychologically informed mediation model is specifically designed for cases involving character disorders.
Why This Approach Is Effective:
- Structure limits manipulation
- Clear boundaries reduce emotional chaos
- The process removes the audience that fuels narcissistic behavior
- Emotional regulation is prioritized alongside legal outcomes
- Conflict escalation is anticipated and managed
Mediation, in this context, is not only about cooperation, it is about containment.
How My Medical Background Shapes My Divorce Strategy
As a medical professional, I understand how chronic stress affects the brain and body. High-conflict divorce is not merely emotionally upsetting, it is physiologically damaging.
My approach recognizes:
- Decision-making declines under extreme stress
- Emotional flooding impairs judgment
- Repeated conflict retraumatizes clients
- Children absorb emotional dysregulation
By incorporating medical and psychological insight into divorce mediation, I help clients remain grounded, focused, and capable of making sound decisions, even under pressure.
How I Help Clients Divorcing a Spouse with a Character Disorder
Every case is different, but my role as a medically trained divorce attorney and mediator consistently includes:
- Identifying high-conflict patterns early
- Creating firm, enforceable boundaries
- Reducing direct confrontation
- Preventing emotional manipulation
- Keeping negotiations focused on resolution
- Protecting privacy, dignity, and health
Most importantly, I help clients stop blaming themselves for dynamics they did not create and could not fix.
A Strategic, Psychologically-Centered Alternative
If you are divorcing a spouse with a character disorder, you are not weak for feeling overwhelmed. You are responding normally to an abnormal situation.
The goal is not to change your spouse. The goal is to:
- Protect your mental and physical health
- Preserve your financial future
- Shield children from ongoing conflict
- Get the best possible settlement
- Exit the marriage with clarity and dignity
This requires experience, structure, and a medically/psychologically informed strategy.
You do not need an official diagnosis to know something is wrong. You only need the courage to explore a healthier path forward.
As a medically/psychologically trained divorce attorney and mediator, I offer a free, confidential consultation for spouses considering divorce from a high-conflict or character-disordered partner. Together, we can discuss whether a medically informed mediation approach is right for your situation and how to protect what matters most.
Call now to schedule your free consultation 212.734.1551.
I look forward to helping you and your family.
Warmly
Lois